Thursday, February 09, 2006

Republican Party, you are an Invasiaholic!

That wasn’t easy for us to say, but we think it is time we intervene. We love and care for you and throughout this process remember: we are talking to your addiction, not you, because your addiction is what is in control now.

Republican Party: a while ago we predicted that the ultimate result of your Iraq invasion would be to effectively make Iraq a satellite of Iran. Now this seems to be the case. And now you think you have found a solution to your problem: invade Iran.

You’re is not alone in this. The usual cadre of enablers is ever present to assist in your implosion. Dershowitz is egging you on by dangling the current outburst of violence in front of your face. Fox News is touting ominous warnings every chance they get. Your suppliers at Halliburton and General Dynamics are certainly not going to say anything as long as the money keeps coming.

But, Republican Party, we are worried about you. And this is why we are going to stop enabling you. We think it is time we hold an intervention for you, Republican Party, because we think this is a problem that has gotten out of your control.

According to this worksheet developed by your most respected psychological authority, Dr. Phil, there is evidence that you are an invasiaholic, you are addicted to invasions! At first, you invaded Afghanistan. It was exhilarating and you figured you could handle it, everyone was encouraging you to invade and it seemed so right at the time. But then came the morning after and there was a whole lot of mess to clean up. You pretended that you had enough, but all you really could think about was getting more. You made up every excuse in the book to get what you were after and we just went along with it because we couldn’t see how our enabling behavior was ultimately hurting you.

Then came Iraq. You again insisted it was over, that you had achieved victory over this addiction. But as the months wore on it was clear that Iraq was becoming a part of your life. You tried to deny it, saying that you’d be done with it in just a couple months. You either lied about the progress you were making or you were just too hopped up to know the difference anymore! Soon the “Orange Alerts” were losing their temporary boosting effect and you were popping so many “Al-Queda Second in Command”-s that it was scaring me, Republican Party. I thought we had trust, but then it started to feel like I was living with a stranger.

You’re denying and hiding your activities! You said you’d be the life of the party, all you needed was a little Iraq, but when we got there the you just sat there getting tanked with that old junky, Britain. You’re using alone practically! And then when we question you, you just end up getting all withdrawn and silent, just like in the warning signs from Dr. Phil.

This whole endeavor is wreaking havoc on your finances, but that’s not the worst of it. Do you know how many times I’ve waited up at night not knowing if you’ll make it past the Mid-Term Elections? I’ve already picked out cushy lobbying jobs for you, do you know how that feels!?

Republican party: now that you have started using you can’t seem to stop. You want to solve all the problems your past abuse has caused by invading another country. That’s right, you’ve gone well past responsible use and have become an abuser, Republican Party! The only solution to your problems that you seem to see is more invasions. Just because your ill-considered attack on Iraq has gotten you into this problem doesn’t mean an ill-considered invasion of Iran will get you out! You need help, Republican Party, and treatment is the only way to get it.


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