Thursday, August 17, 2006

The gheyest shit I have ever heard

Before I get to the gheyest shit I have ever heard, a few words on gheyness:

There was a time when scientist would use the ridiculous scale to measure the quantity of absurdity inherent in a given person, object, or event, however with the advent of Television there were ever increasing number of phenomena that did not fall within the commonly observed spectrum on the ridiculousness scale. After the election of Ronald Reagan, a gradual momentum built among the leading journals calling for the adoption of a super-ridiculous scale of absurdity. Though the tale is apocryphal, it is believed by some that the “gheyness” scale of absurdity was adopted in response to the Reagan administration’s response to the AIDS crisis.

The necessity of the gheyness scale is due to the lack of adequacy of the ridiculous scale to describe the quantity of absurdity produced by systems as complex as intelligent beings, let alone collections of intelligent beings. For centuries a scientist would see something like a horse trying to mount a cow and say to his companions something like “That’s ridiculous!” and it would suffice. However, after the advent of mass media it was only a matter of time before we would quickly outpace the ridiculous scale.

The gayness scale measures the degree to which a designed thing defeats the purpose for which it was designed. The more mundane the nature of the screw-up, the higher the quantity of absurdity due to the seeming ease of the task the system is mishandling. To give a sense of scale here are some things with their associated quantity of absurdity on the gheyness scale.

getting pulled over for speeding 20 miles overnot so ridiculous
a cat driving an automobilepretty ridiculous
your car doesn’t startfucking ridiculous
your car doesn’t start right after driving back from the mechanicgay
getting pulled over for driving 5 miles overpretty gay
getting pulled over for driving 1 mile overpretty fucking gay
getting pulled over for being blackghey
getting arrested for being blackpretty fucking ghey
Reagan AIDS policypretty fucking ghey
Clinton impeachmentThe gheyest shit I have ever heard
Bush v. GoreThe gheyest shit I have ever heard

Few objects, entities and events achieve a state of near perfect gheyness, in a similar way to absolute zero, there can be more then one thing that can be said to be “The gheyest shit I’ve ever heard,” within measurement error.

With that said:

The misfortunate three Arabs in Michigan I wrote about a few days ago are no longer accused of plotting to blow up the Mackinaw bridge. They are now accused of buying up discount cell phones in bulk and erasing the proprietary software then reselling them. The crux of the case is whether they are allowed to call the phones Nokia phones after the deletion of the software (which tries to sell you on a prepaid cell service from a third party, Tracfone).

That is the gheyest shit I’ve ever heard.


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